Talking with an adolescent can be like walking through a minefield. At any moment you could be asking what you thought was a simple, sincere question only to find it triggering an explosive response. You know that communication keeps you connected to your child, but it often seems to backfire because of the type of questions asked.
Research proves our instincts: The number one antidote to risky-kid behavior is a strong relationship with a parent. Believe it or not our kids even like us and want us in their lives! (Really!!!!) A recent Girl Scout of America survey found that tween girls want their moms even more involved in their lives.
The trick is how to stay involved the right way so we don’t turn them off, they do want to come to us and we can be a sounding board to help them wade through tough issues. Watch out! The biggest turn off (according to tweens and teens) is often how we pose our questions.
7 Deadly Questions to Never Ask an Adolescent (Unless you want a guaranteed turn off)
Here are seven things you should avoid asking an adolescent because they are guaranteed to be big “turn offs.” Learn how to pose those trickier questions another way so you’re more likely to get a better response from your kid (or at least keep her standing in the same room with you).
DEADLY QUESTION 1: “So, how was your day?”
Trite, generic, remarks like “Did you have fun last night?” and “How was school?” don’t go over with tweens. They say they see them as “insincere” and “so-o-o predictable.” “Watch—My Mom is going to ask, “How was your day?” She always does.” Tweens put those comments at the top of their annoying list. Besides you’ll get nothing more than a “FINE” response from your kid.
DEADLY QUESTION 2: “Why didn’t you tell the kid to leave you alone????”
Bullying peaks during the tween years and is escalating and far more vicious. Reports say one in three tweens are involved in bullying either as a victim or bully. Tactics include: social exclusion, racial, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse, relational aggression, or electronic bullying (cell phones, websites, pagers or email). Research shows tweens often don’t tell their parents that they are being victimized for fear of retaliation and humiliation, or that you’ll say, “Tell the kid to leave you alone!” (Which they say is the worst advice you can give. A tween often cannot fend for herself and needs help in figuring out safety options and strategies to defend herself. In fact, bullying is a repeated pattern of willful cruelty. Bullies do not go away and generally continue to target victims, which can cause severe emotional ramifications.
DEADLY QUESTION 3: “What was she wearing?”
Materialism is huge with the tween set and is mounting. Marketers are tailoring the tween-aged kid. This is also a time when tweens are forming identities and are most impressionable. Tween-aged kids are most likely to believe that their clothes and brands describe who they are and define their peer status and it also impacts their professional goals (75 percent of 8 to 12 year-olds desire to be rich). More US kids than anywhere in the world believe that their clothes and brands describe who they are and define their social status. Preteens with lower self-esteem value possessions significantly more than children with higher self-esteem.
DEADLY QUESTION 4: “Why are you sooooo sensitive?”
Puberty is a period of intense hormonal changes. In fact, more changes are going on in your tween’s body than at any other time in their life and those changes are now occurring at younger ages! New research shows that the area of the brain that regulates emotions is still developing in tweens and teens. So, expect those mood swings and extremes. But also expect your tween to be “very touchy” and sensitive. Hint: Don’t tease–they will take it personally. And never tease or discipline your kid in front of a peer. You’re guaranteed to get big time resistance and a turn-off.
DEADLY QUESTION 5: “Why did you do that?” (Even worse: “What were you thinking?”)
Expect your tween to be a bit impulsive and act a little crazy. Neuro-imaging confirms that their pre-frontal cortex is still developing – the exact place where decision-making and impulse regulations are forming. Tweens may not always know the reasons behind their actions. And that’s one reason they may have that blank look when you ask, “Why did you do that?”
The need to “fit in” is huge and peer pressure is huge. In fact, it will never be as strong. It’s tough to stand up to your peers, but even more so during these years. Tweens also say the worst advice their parents give is to “Just say no!” (Boys and Girls Club of America 2006 study of over 46,000 13 to 18 year-olds). Tweens say what the want from their parents are actual strategies to counter the pressure.
DEADLY QUESTION 7: “Why don’t you just get over it and move on?”
Peer relationships are critical and play a big part of an adolescents self-esteem. Tweens are discovering the “opposite sex” and have their first “crushes.” When there’s a friendship tiff or breakup with a “first love”, ah the anguish! Though the anguish may seem juvenile, don’t dismiss your kid’s hurt and tell her to “Get over it.” Their hurt is intense and real. (Remember way back. Did you get over it easily?) It may take a while for them to bounce back–especially during these years when one of their top concerns is “peer humiliation.” Not only are tweens concerned about their own pain, but what “all the other kids are saying.” And don’t dismiss boys! (Says the mom of three). Research shows they often have a tougher time bouncing back than girls.
For suggestions on what to ask instead, check out "Better Ways to Talk to Your Teen/Tween" with tips from Parenting Pro Michele Borba, Ed.D.
Those are my top seven. What question did I miss? Pass them on so we keep our relationship open and strong with our kids.